actual divinity

Nothing is better than finding old images and re-editing them with vintage wash colours. Especially when they picture your photogenic best friend..

my boy

Oh Charlie, I remember when you were first born and i said to mum, "I don't love him yet mum, will i love him like i love Jack one day?" She said yes. She was right.

Charlie, you make my day everyday.

wisdom

A tiny tid bit for my lifesaver, yes you know who you are.

Find your mirror go and look inside
And see the talent you always hide
Don't go kidd yourself well not today
Satisfaction's not to far away

Hold on now your exits here
It's waiting just for you
Don't pause too long
It's fading now
It's ending all too soon you'll see

Don't be scared of what you cannot see
Your only fear is possibility
Never wonder what the hell went wrong
Your second chance may never come along

When i pressed shuffle on my iPod tonight, this is the first song that came up. Oh how true those words are.

missing

"What I can tell you is that being here, in my worst nightmare, in every Mothers worst nightmare, is that God..or whoever it is...was clever when he made us. He knew to wrap us tight in a little bubble and to just make it all blank. I am there and I'm walking and talking and breathing and I don't know what the next moment holds or if I can ever get through this or why it was us. I am writing this today because I don't know if tomorrow will be the day where my World starts to crash down and then what? Do I ever take another photo? Do I ever smile again?" - Sheye Rosemeyer

One of the most powerful and true statements i have ever read. Because, its. so. true. While i have never truly lost, and i meant lost, anybody super close to me, i have had a taste or perhaps an insight at what the missing can feel like. When you walk around and everything in your minds eye triggers a memory, a memory which brings on the sense of truly missing and it hurts. Your body physically aches but somehow we don't give up. We walk, we talk, we breathe but everything besides that is blank. After that, slowly, always slowly, time helps adjust to that new kind of normal. No, things will probably never go back to the way they were, but things will improve.

This is, in some way, a comfort. We don't have a clue what is to become of us. We don't know what next year holds, or if tomorrow is the day that we break down. Nobody knows. But the point is things always get better, always. We just need to have faith that when something isn't working out, it will take it's time, but it will always get better. "You can't have a rainbow, without the rain." Cheesy, yes i know. But read that quote again, it's true. Hold on tight through death week, a closing shift, exam week, or just missing and wait for the laughter. It's on it's way.

monday

Usually i would have something witty and maybe inspirational to say, but tonight I am exhausted, i am tired, i am weak, i am drained and all i want to do is stand in front of the air conditioner until i freeze.

So until i find something to say, I'll leave you with those two snap shots of Monday, I guess it sums up my day. Oh and i will find something to write about...eventually.

forget

friday night, pizza, swimming, sunshine, music, dresses, lemon lime bitters, and sitting on the road.

today could have been better, i didn't get the news i wanted to hear and a lot of things didn't go the way i wanted them too. in the end however, tonight was enough to make me forget all that. for a few hours, the underlying crap to come was pushed to the far ends of my mind and i thought of nothing. it was perfect.

thank-you my lovely girls. for saving my sanity.

1000 times

Just like yesterday and tomorrow, i miss ski trip.

I've said it 1000 times. It's not just ski trip i miss though, it's the missing of so much more. It's the freedom, the need to not worry, being surrounded by my very best friends, and just being. No hassels, no problems, just being there.

Yesterday, I had a thought. While washing the very last of some utterly disgusting dishes at work i remembered my previous motto "everything is only temporary." And even as my knuckle stung as i burnt it on the side of the toaster, and tripped on the mop, dropped the clean dishes on the floor and i thought my luck couldn't possibly get any worse, i stopped, on the verge of angry tears. By pure chance the radio began to play Michael Jackson's "Man in The Mirror," and I remembered. All the memories, all those days and nights lying around in our room, skiing in the sun, lazing around the lounge and just being flooded my mind. It's those moments that i love and live for. Those bliss moments.

It was a week of just pure amazingness. A week i would go back to gladly. In all honestly, i would go back to the week after Ski Trip just to feel the high I was still on and have all those tiny details and memories fresh in my mind without the haze of 100 days. A week that i will definitely cherish, like no other. I wouldn't change a single second of it - not one. Not the bus ride, the foggy first day, being locked out of our rooms or the power not working. Because it was those moments that made it so memorable, and not to mention, hilarious.

See, in the midst of my closing shift at work it made me realize that even in the worst of situations, (and i mean worst,) everyone has a moment that is there, lurking in the back of their minds waiting to be remembered. Waiting to save you from your own insanity. It's a powerful tool. So when you're in your worst pain or in the middle of the most deathly day, just remember. That's all.

beauty full

a sunny afternoon in september, sitting on the side of the road. also happens to be my gorgeous best friend.

just sometimes

sometimes, and i mean sometimes, he is rather angelic.

p.s bribing was needed for these pictures.

inspire

These days, looking at something from a few years back brings a notion. Don’t we wish we could have told ourselves then… That everything would work out? That our hearts would mend? Feelings would fade and whatever problem seemed to cloud our every day, would eventually pass and the sun would one day shine again.

Today, we still have problems. School assignments, boyfriends, family or work. Whatever it is, we’ve all been there. All these problems scare us each day and we spend countless hours worrying over them, when in reality –several days, weeks or years from now it will be a washed out memory. So the point is. Everything will pass. It always does. At the time, it feels like there is no way you could possibly ever be happy again, and that there is nothing to look forward to but time really is the healer and time really does mend our problems.

When you next collapse on your bed in a wave of tears, or walk into the doors of school or work, wishing you could fall into a deep hole and never resurface, remind yourself that the emotion that you feel is only temporary. Even at your lowest point when giving up seems like the only realistic option, just remember. Everything passes, including time.

beginning

list of things i want to do before i die:
43 - start a blog