"I don't know what I want. I don't know who I want to be. I don't know anything right now, I just don't know, and this is scary to me."
- fifteen years old, scribbled in a diary [don't worry, i kind of laughed too when i read this.]
For the purpose of this post here is a mental image of 'age 15.' [Ella and I at an Adelaide lookout. Yeah, I'm risking public humiliation to aid this writing.]
I found these stark words in an old "I'm a teenager and I have a lot of feelings" diary tonight. Along with this, coincidentally, Ella forwarded me a link to a list of things I longed for in my future, also written when i was fifteen years old. I look back, and understandably, barely recognise the words on the page, let alone the feelings of this girl, although it is still I. Back in 2009, I was struggling to sleep through the night and eventually even received sleep therapy for this. It was the very middle of my parents' divorce and while I stubbornly never attributed the insomnia to this, four years later i can recognise that yes, that was the probable cause. I remember right before I picked up 'photography' I was somewhat lost - as most fifteen year olds find themselves to be. But i really struggled with the concept of my future, when I felt drastically unstable in the present. It's a gift to have kept these words of mine, and look back now - nineteen years old - with a different perspective. I am nowhere near where I guessed I would be. Cliche, perhaps, but literally no. where. near. At fifteen I dreamed of med school, and at nineteen found myself in law school. I liked the idea of a camera, but didn't see myself doing anything with it other than taking some 'nice shots' of my family. If you'd have told me I'd be be accepted into an American college for photography at 17, just two years later, I would have deemed you insane.
This idea keeps me awake.
I was questioning my direction again tonight. I had Bon Iver wailing from my speakers and felt very fifteen again. Am I doing the right degree? Should I be doing this? What do I even want? And it struck me. If i can figure it out, in the messy centre of the teenage years, I will do it again. If people all over the world can figure it out, I will too. Hell if you're thinking in the slightest you agree with any of this, you will too. If you're nodding your head in silent agreement, you. will. too.
This is all I have for you & I. No guaranteed answers, and unfortunately no fortune cookie with 100% accuracy. Just a sentiment from a 19 y/o girl pumping her fist and feeling very 'YES WE CAN.'
These are old, i've probably blogged them before, but here they are potentially for the second time because i love them all the same and i still love this shoot.